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  • Writer's pictureJanj

Panic at the.....Airport

Updated: Oct 30, 2023

Today, I am sat in the sun reflecting and it's making me overthink and just a little emotional. While on the one hand I am fully aware how amazingly far I have come in the last few years, I am also still struggling with the fact that I can't do the things I used to and would like to, well certainly not without a debt being payable anyway! That merely adult life in general such as working or pottering around the house and even dog walking wipes me out and a simple thing like a gentle stroll on the nearby beach on one day renders me useless for the next couple (if im lucky) of days, no, not always but a majority of the time. It's the unpredictability of it all that hits me hard - I have had walks with friends which became a little more of a trek than I should have attempted as I was enjoying it so much at the time only to have no comeback whatsoever despite the dread and expectancy, otherdays getting out of bed and showering is about my limit....the inconsistency ironically tires you.

So now I'm thinking to myself how to turn this into a positive and I start remembering back to when I first got really poorly around 2015/16, how simply being tired and emotional snowballed into full on anxiety and panic attacks. Anytime, anywhere - Oh the times I have left supermarket trollies mid aisle whilst fleeing for the doors hyperventilating. The time I once felt the panic rise from nowhere whilst driving and decided it would be safer to pull over but was sobbing and gasping for breath and forgot to press my brake and rolled into a wall, thankfully no injury but had to call emergency services I was in such a state and promptly blacked out on the phone to them due to not breathing properly! Blessed to have amazing friends who came to pick me up that day. Another time I left work perfectly fine, but during the journey home got agitated quickly and inexplicably as is often the case - around 2 miles from home I had to call hubby to try and calm myself down, my sobbing was so bad he came out to me and sat with me until it passed and I could continue the 2 minute drive home. These are extreme cases, more often than not it's daily little things like not being able to join friends on nights out even though you want to, feeling a heavy weight on your chest, getting upset and irrational at the drop of a hat. Having to rest before doing the thing tomorrow because you did a little thing yesterday. Feeling that you cannot cope with the world and that the responsibility for literally everything lies on your shoulders when you know for a fact you most certainly are not the 'man' for the job - imposter syndrome we shall keep for another blog!

Processing all of this today I realise having had a little wobble last week and here and there along the way.....although things could be much better at the moment, the truth is it could also be so much worse...and boy has it! Relativeness, accountability and gratitude puts everything in perspective. Self acceptance through years of introspection, self analysis and self counsel whilst practising mindfulness has helped to calm situations and breathing before reaching the panic stage.

My point here is a little like the saying "There's always someone worse off than you" - I've never personally liked this quote, in my mind your troubles are relevant to you and matter regardless of how worse off anyone else may have it but here the only comparison I'm making is with the old me ie the artist formerly known as Jan and by doing that it's makes what I have now seem wonderful. Stand alone, ideal it certainly is not, but I remember and remind myself today of a time when what I have now is what I begged through anxiety ridden sobs of tears for!

I love to travel and although not always able to, when I can I really do make the most of it even possibly pushing myself a little and not giving in when I'm not quite up to it if you know what I mean . Around the time of my diagnosis with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis in 2016 the stress and pressure of my full time council admin post had become almost unbearable for me and before I eventually resigned I unfortunately had to take quite some time off sick. Not being in the workplace at that time would mean some stress was lifted and I would see more of my old self and not the wreck I had become - we had quite a few city breaks and time away during this time, as my illness was psychological my workplace were fully aware and on board with this - travelling seemed to be my crutch to dealing with life at this point. A personal dream came true because of this and hubby and I flew to Venice for a few nights. It went well, there were a few signs that I wasn't quite myself such as me usually being the early bird on our holidays but could hardly get out of bed on the first day despite my excitement at being there. I couldn't walk far or fast but luckily this beautiful island is quite small and contained. Apart from the obligatory tourist photos we mostly kept away from the crowds of St Mark's square and had a lovely time. Whilst totally getting in to it and enjoying every moment I could still feel the angst there bubbling quietly under the surface - and once again this is where I remind you that social media posts and photo albums will not show any of this and therefore urge you to not form an opinion on anyone's life or struggles merely from a positive Facebook presence etc. At the end of our 3 nights thankfully there had not been any major disasters - there was a mix up with our Gondola booking which could have gone either way but while it had gotten me a little hot under the collar it had been sorted with minimum fuss and diffused instantly and so on one of the hottest days it was time to leave for home. We left by boat for Marco Polo airport. On arrival this is where and when my heart literally sank. I felt the same panic as when I and every pregnant woman realise the baby is in there and has to come out no matter what so there's no going back, the point of no return - we had to go home yet the queues from the get go were immense and for our flight as a bonus we were in a queue under a sunroof, sweltering for well over an hour. There was an issue with our flight and we would have to travel with another company and this would take time to sort but the information kept changing and this along with miscommunication ment I did not cope with the situation very well. Whatever the problem was it did seem to apply to everyone at the airport that day and tempers were fraying. By the time we eventually got through the first ticket desk I was struggling to contain the bubbling anxiety and praying to each and every deity out there that this would be over soon. Next came security, only now as everyone who had been held back at first base had also been released at the sametime this was nothing short of a melee. We were in a crush of people, hubby was behind me but holding my hand, this time it just wasn't enough as the damn burst on one of my most spectacular public melt downs ever. I sobbed and stood without moving holding everyone back as children stared, parent's and passers by gave me a pitiful look, some kind souls offered comfort and support through a knowing smile whilst others turned away clearly embarrassed. I couldn't breathe, I honestly thought I was going to die...I couldn't be there but I couldn't leave. After reaching the peak of panic and with calm and supportive words I managed to regain some decorum, although I was still shaking and breathing erratically moving on to the next stage. We eventually made it through security to be held in a hot glass square of people once again for what seemed like an age before being loaded via the tarmac onto the plane. It was only with huge gasps of fresh air before boarding and the cool air con and cold drinks on boarding that all angst eventually subsided. It was a horrendous experience and one I wouldn't wish on anyone and the reason I am sharing this with you is, it hasn't happened since....most of the above has not happened for around 2 years, well not on this scale anyway. So instead of dwelling on the perfect life I would like for myself and which seems to be out of reach maybe I should stick to being thankful of where I currently am, maybe every time I feel down and think longingly of where I would like to be, like today I should remind myself..."but then it could be worse, you could be back in Marco Polo Airport". No I've definitely come a long way, and you know what? You can too X





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