How can you recognize the good times if you have never encountered the bad ones...?
Now 2020 has obviously had an element of fate about it, personally we are blessed that our family and friends have remained safe and well during such a bleak time for so many. Of those we know who became poorly I am so relieved to say they lived to tell the tale. Me of course - in my inimitable style of doing things ever so slightly off kilter to the usual trend of things, it almost embarrasses me to say out loud that lockdown, missing friends & family and a damp squib of a 50th aside I think I can say despite the small matter of a global pandemic I have had myself a decent year – well the second half anyway!
Entering into 2020 however was another story, both I and the mister were struggling with our mental health and I was in the grips of yet another ME flare up before we even saw the end of January which was quite a blow as I had finished the previous year on such a high and in fairly decent health. 2019 had been kind on the whole despite a low of losing a dear uncle my health was good, I was running up to 5k sometimes even for charity, September had seen me start a new managerial sales position and the 'piece de resistance' was a once in a lifetime trip to New Zeland to see my beautiful baby girl ( technically a ballsy, awesome 25 yr old but I digress) along with making precious memories with her on an Australian jaunt - we climbed Sydney Harbour bridge, rode bikes and even jumped out of plane. Then, Christmas of that year showed me that my sparkly new job and my chronic illness were not compatible and by the end of the following January I was very poorly and as physical and mental health tend to go hand in hand for me, in a bad place.
My dear other half will not mind me sharing that during this time he also was in a very difficult and troubling time in his life where his mental health was concerned – our issues may I add are long standing and nothing to do with world events; his decline however was unfortunately not just to the detriment of my health due to me having to be the breadwinner with little to no fuel in the tank but also to our marriage as our struggles took us in differing directions, although the love is deep and was clearly still there we were both hurting and unable to help each other and I was unable to carry us all and alone – we were literally hanging by a thread as we seemed to be in a spiral of negativity. My new job was physical and demanding and I was just too exhausted to deal with any of it, I was unable to help myself let along another struggling soul. My shiny new job seemed to quickly turn into one of the worst decisions I had made in a long time. The post I had left for it had only been a few hours part time and although it had been perfect for my ME with the work/life balance, being the sole earner however it couldn’t go on, we needed a higher income. We were in financial dire straights, so I had done the logical thing and went for a better paid job with prospects, only when it didn’t work out I was trapped as I had no choice but to drag myself into a job that was literally killing me every day. Our fairly decent savings nosedived to nothing from constantly having to top up a wage that wasn’t enough to keep a household, cars, bills etc. So what to do?
Fretting and thinking things through as I tend to do, and like many of you I'm sure this tends to happen mostly during the early hours - it occurred to me one night that we always have a choice, it may not be easy or one we want to make BUT it is there. Whether it will work or not may be out of our control and so requires a leap of faith but the choice per say is still ours is it not? We can’t possibly know the outcome to any of our choices beforehand hence the lottery of it all but surely that’s also the beauty of it as there is always another choice and another and so on and so on until one finally does work out and you’ve somehow managed to steer yourself into calmer waters.
So back to this day in February of 2020, I had been very unwell for a few weeks and struggling with an ongoing infection but somehow on this day, once again I managed to get out of bed and to work – only on this day it was so bad that I still don't quite know how I made it through the shift. I came home, collapsed in a heap and decided I would not be going back, and despite the obvious catastrophic ramifications of going off sick and that it meant neither of us would be working it felt like the right thing to do. Had I stayed, I have no doubt that the job would have been the death of me and so I stood by my decision and owned it. I then set about making things right - first I arranged meetings with the benefits people and then phone calls with our mortgage lender etc. Although I was pouring out of an empty cup by this point survival mode and stubbornness drove me on doing all the things that had to be done. Practicalities out of the way, next was to get myself better and stronger and start out on yet another job hunt, not ideal when the world and it’s mother is in the grips of a global pandemic. You may have noted how I keep referring to how "I did this and I did that" and indeed I did do it all alone for a time but while I was frantically spinning plates hubby was working hard on himself and getting better which was just as crucial and with every little step taken he tentatively improved. With this he slowly came back to me, our relationship strengthened and improved as quite honestly did life in general despite all the difficulties and so onwards we persevered.
Another executive decision was made on the job front – shop work and my illness were by no means a good match and it was never going to end well therefore the only thing for it was although a little rusty, to dip back in the administration pool. I cannot begin to guess at how many applications I filled in during this time, I was determined and so while the country was at a stop and workers everywhere where being furloughed I kept hoping for the impossible and swimming against the tide. However I was developing self belief, strength and more than just a little momentum! Mam would often say “Oh, only you Jan…” and it was never truer than at this time when I bagged myself not just one but two interviews in June within a week of each other.....yup, in the local county hospital during a pandemic, you really couldn't make it up; coincidentally this was also the same month hubby started back very anxiously but bravely working his old job part time. He struggled so much but kept going, I was proud and grateful, and we slowly started laughing again. Especially when I managed to turn up a day early for one of my sought-after interviews, talk about keen! This is a pivotal point in changing the way I think in moving onwards at this time however, because rather than my normal knee-jerk reaction of panic and stress, beating myself up about being so incompetent I instead took it in my stride and even saw the funny side. Needless to say I didn’t get the post but a week later I had a second interview on site and the planets seemed this time to be aligned, it went like clockwork. I got the call the next day and within weeks I was working again, what started as part time became full time and I balanced my energy well and even found myself enjoying it. Slowly things improved, nothing more so than my strength which had been seriously tested during this time asw we had lost the eldest of our three dogs, not unexpected at 13 I add but a bit sudden towards the end – still I/we coped. He was loved and he knew he was loved – I miss the old boy terribly, but I am surprisingly calm and accepting with the fact that it was his time and he is no longer in pain, we gave him a good life and he will always be in our hearts.
Something I have always found difficult and have had to usually dig very deep to find in myself is confidence and self-belief, which you will often find me discussing as I feel that over my lifetime it has had a detrimental and profound effect on me and the decisions and paths I took, well the lack of them that is to say. My now new role within the NHS feels like no other previous job has ever felt and bear in mind I have work from the age of 16 so that’s a long time to be a 'trainee' but then I now have new thoughts and strengths to work with, I have changed, slowly becoming the woman I always hoped to be. Put simply, I have grown. I no longer feel as if I’m winging it, I have come through so much and am capable of so much more and I am as worthy as anyone – just a flick of a thinking switch and life has changed beyond all recognition.
Now would be an ideal time to say “but to cut a long story short..” however I feel that ship has sailed a few paragraphs ago – so the point I have tried to make by bearing my soul and being brutally honest about our troubles is where it has brought us through sheer belief in our convictions, determination in not giving up and a slight tweak of mindset. In December after only 5 months in my post, my department advertised a new post for a senior medical secretary and despite being a newbie with much to learn and it being two bands above my current level, I KNEW I could do the role and be good at it and so no longer beholden to the imposter syndrome of old I thought what's to loose and decided to go for it! I figured if you don’t ask you don’t get, right? I start my new post tomorrow…..believe in yourself, a little self-belief goes a long way is all I’m saying. This is more than I ever dreamed I could be, I am in a job I love and really passionate about with people I enjoy being around.
Someone recently said to me “the only thing holding you back is you” and you know what?they were right……until now that is! Oh and just for the record, the second honeymoon period is going pretty well too thank you 😉
