What do you do on the bad days/weeks, when no matter what you do it keeps going on a downward spiral. Despite my every intention this week to keep positive, life had other plans. Things don't always go your way and that's ok but when it starts taking a toll on your physical and mental health - how do you cope? Personally I find I get quite low before resilience, determination and stubbornness kick in and I fight back stronger and more determined. But sometimes when the tank is beyond empty, it's just not that easy. This month has been hard for many reasons but this week has been the climax when I've had to admit some harsh truths to myself. I have had a miraculously amazing couple of years with my ME symptoms being very low key and less intrusive than I have known in a long time. For the first time in my life I have been able to lose weight, to the tune of four whole stones! I could walk the dogs, socialise, kayak and even started running and completed a couple of 5k races - it was all so surreal and unexpected. But I have embraced it and made the most of every moment as it was always in my mind that it could be taken away from me at any moment, and that it has...as this week it has dawned on me and I have to accept that since I changed jobs at the end of last September from a fairly easy part-time position to a full time lead sales position in a very fast paced store I have gradually and slowly been going downhill. What I know with hindsight is that when I could run, travel and do all those wonderful things it was obviously the work, life and rest balance that suited my condition - pacing. Not to open a whole can of worms as I know there is currently a lot of debate surrounding pacing and CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) within the ME community with sufferers on one side and the medical profession on the other BUT despite not working for me previously PACING certainly had been working the last few years. So this week it has all hit home and my positivity has wavered somewhat, my physical health declining and being unable to be 'normal' has been very difficult to accept this time but harder still the brain fog and "old me" creeping back. Negativity, worry, self-doubt, bad habits such as unhealthy eating and so on. Not helped by being told at work that I wasn't up to scratch and needed to improve after a couple of mistakes - you know that sinking feeling you get when you know you've been giving two hundred percent but in a chat with management you get the impression they don't even think you've been giving fifty percent - and my god do I try! Today my foggy brain made a decision and the fight back begins, I took the day off sick to rest and to get my mind and thoughts in order. I want the dynamic me back even though she was tired and struggled, things were far from perfect but she coped, enjoyed life when she could and got things done. So it's time to rebuild and this will not happen overnight just as the decline didn't, so examining the situation carefully anyone can see that the crux of the matter is that the balance is no longer right and needs to be restored. i.e. I realistically should start thinking about looking for another job - part time would be ideal but as full time is kind of a necessity at the moment i should consider going back to work in an office where although just as tough mentally I would not be putting my body through the mill every day as I would be sat at a desk. Even considering deciding this path forward I feel despite no immediate changes taking place and still feeling a little fragile and sorry for myself that a positive decision has been made and frankly that is all one can do. Never give up and keep trying, and boy do I....every day, now and always. I owe it to myself because you know what I really am worth it, as are you, regardless of what you might think - Janj X
