I've previously mentioned how important it is to let go of any expectations, you cannot worry about situations which may not even manifest anymore than you can celebrate in victories that are yet to transpire. I for one am guilty as hell of trying to 'read' situations - Where is the line? You need to take control of your own life and destiny, not just go with the flow and see where it gets you and yet micro managing and working to a fixed agenda isn't healthy either. In my last blog I explained how I'd experienced a dip in my health, in all honesty I was feeling pretty sorry for myself BUT truly believed with some positive self talk and me time I'd pull it back, after all it's what I do. I believe some situations are meant to happen however hard they seem because without challenges how would we improve and grow. Did I pull myself out of the abyss? well not quite - I did hang on for dear life but outside influences meant it had to get worse before it got better. So, I sat myself down and had a talk with myself - I was struggling with work and because all financial commitments depend on me at the moment I felt I was in no position to do anything other than turn up regardless of what it did to my physical or mental health. While I hardly had the energy to get out of bed on the worst days there was also the realisation that strength would be needed; I had to be decisive, fight back and change the situation; strength and energy were in very short supply and it was easier to keep the status quo, too many people depended on me.
I had become increasingly physically unwell when I finally relented and went to the doctor, it turned out that what I thought were new or worsening symptoms of my chronic illness was in fact a bad infection which had been left untreated since the end of last year while I buried my head in the metaphorical sand, a short course of antibiotics and this would soon be as good as new. While with the GP I explained the situation we were in, I cannot put into words the relief that poured out of every pore as I explained and was met with empathy, despite having previously shared with friends ( and boy am I blessed in that department) it seems that I accepted the doctors concern as a legitimacy of how bad things had gotten and without any hesitation I decided to accept the two week sick note offered regardless of any knock on effects. While my symptoms persist the world has been lifted off my shoulders. Oh, don't get me wrong it is far from a happy ending (yet), I am still battling through this and the situation is still delicate BUT I am dealing with it, I am finding a minuscule atom of untapped energy I didn't know I had whilst working day and night and I am speaking to people who can help and one problem at a time I am getting us, and more importantly me through this. I was worried if I didn't work we would lose everything but in reality if I continued to work I would lose so much more. Husband and I have a few nights away next week, planned and paid for last year with a little gift from my beloved late uncle, a trip to see the Northern Lights - how lucky are we (always look beyond the curse to the blessing), I am tired and beaten down but once again the positivity is slowly being topped up like hot water into a cold bath - so, to conclude it would seem that I have done exactly what I was afraid to do all along and you know what? nobody died! Janj X
