Well today came as a bit of a surprise - something odd happened, I say odd but what I really mean is in an amazing inexplicable happy way! I have had THE most wonderful day - yep, you heard right; No absolutely nothing major happened, no lottery win or lockdown lifted but both mentally and physically my energy levels have been at normal to high and I became the bubbly, positive, lifeloving, cheeky Jan of last year the one who came by to say hi then disappeared in a flash like a magician's assistant. By normal I mean the energy most mortals have and more than likely take for granted each day, that zest which gets them from A to B manoeuvering through life and its ups and downs which is usually just so lacking in me (as well as any other poor sod unfortunate enough to be bestowed with this goddam illness, or any other invisible illness such as Fibro, Lyme, Vit B12 deficiency etc they are all bastards equally!) and which has indeed been lacking for a long time now. Today however, I enjoyed everything I did, not that I did much but I engaged with it without effort and was present without any brain fog, fatigue or angst. I took in and felt all the little details, tasted the day by experiencing each hour and every little thing in it. This Jan is what I refer to as the lesser spotted Jan who at a guess I would say has not been seen since at least mid January of this year but probably started going into hibernation a while before that apart from the odd pull. Where did this boost come from? No idea! It certainly wasn't there yesterday and I have no idea if it will be there manyana or will have waved goodbye as quickly as it said hello, I just went with the flow; not going to look the proverbial gift horse in the mouth am I now. My theory is that although I haven't been working since February I have tried to keep a daily routine so as not to get too lazy and seize up altogether, both body and soul! I have walked the dogs, when I can - gone for head clearing strolls on my own, done light housework and gardening but the last few weeks and especially the last couple due to being in lockdown I haven't even done this. So essentially and quite critically my body has rested more than it has rested in a very long time and is thanking me, the last three days especially with the turn in the weather and social distancing as is advised during this pandemic I have chosen to do nothing but sunbathe. I feel it then becomes a circle call it a reverse Catch 22 if you will, I am now rested and therefore my head is in a better place, because of this my body aches less, I sleep better and because of it I get out of bed easier and it follows on that my day starts on a better note, I start on a better note and so the positivity grows and snowballs. The only part of this that saddens me is that I am not in control of my energy levels and their moods and whims my illness is, I don't get to pick and choose, sometimes rest can turn me into wonder woman and other times it makes no difference at all. Luckily I can hit jackpot at times when I have a social event or holiday and like a gift from the gods everything aligns to allow for a good time, has been known to even allow a fantastic adventure laden blow your mind time but more often than not this is not the case; so why and where these peaks on my chart come from initially I have no idea but what I can control is how I deal with it mentally and use it as a spur to strengthen my thoughts and resolve so that when these invigorating spurts do come along out of the blue I channel it fully! If only the energy could be banked for when needed! Unfortunately not but the mental boost it brings if you like can be.
Do you remember years ago when mobile phones first came out it used to be common practice with any network that you had to charge the phone overnight or for 24 hours for the battery to be fully charged before you embarked on day to day use; my body often feels like rather than a full overnight twenty four hour charge it's has been having the occasional plug in taking it to half power if that which then quickly depletes with any short usage, especially of late.
So to take todays' positivity baton and run, tonight I am tired there's no denying it but everyone gets tired, it is however a happy tired having had a good day having felt a range of differing emotions not an exhausted I cannot function and my head hurts amongst other things tired.
My mind is now buzzing and I am hopeful, I am hoping this dream continues at least a while longer, in theory the longer it goes on the stronger I get right!? One thing I have learnt with chronic illness is, that much as with life....never expect and never assume just take it one day at a time, whatever the outcome I enjoyed today - I like fun Jan, she's a minx -Janj x
