Human Nature is a funny old thing!

Today I have been sad but I won't let it beat me or get me down, today I have been disappointed by human nature but dont know why the hell I'm surprised! It had been a lovely couple of days after more than just a few difficult ones, it had lifted my spirits no end and was just what the Dr ordered - I video called friends & family near and far, walked the dog in a breathtaking local beauty spot with a special friend while adhering to all distancing rules. I try to enjoy these moments and make them the moments which make life worth living, to find at least one 'happy' in every day. Up until recently I was and always have been a people pleaser, desperately wanting validation from anyone and everyone; a sheep or a conformer if you like - I would wear what the magazines of the day told me I should be wearing, regardless of how the outcome looked, absorbed whatever fodder the media fed me; read what I was told to read and generally did as I was told. Like most of us I behaved in the customary way most of the time for fear of standing out from the crowd - heaven forbid one should rebel or step out of line and be noticed or worst still noticed and disliked. This is how I lived my life from a very young age and the result was I was not being true to myself and because of this over the years my mental health suffered. Yes I was being what everyone else wanted me to be, what was expected of me from my parents to my peers, the education system and even to the government I was the model citizen but I wasn't being who I wanted to be, not my best self....although had you asked at the time I probably wouldn't even have been able to tell you who my best self was or even who I wanted to be. It's not that I wanted to break any laws or behave outrageously; just to be able to think outside the box occasionally and not be that yes woman. That was until I became very poorly both mentally and physically and had what I now feel can only be described as a breakdown; don't be sad it has a happy ending! As awful an experience it was to go through, it changed me, made me re-evaluate just who Jan really is, found strength and individual thinking I didn't even realise I possessed! It's always darkest before dawn and from that breakdown came my awakening. I Found my individuality, my rebellious streak, my 'joie de vivre' all I would like to think without losing the essence of me; my empathy, kindness towards others, I try not to fuel hate and am constantly working on my patience, tolerance of others and acceptance of things and people different to me, I am slowly learning to be open minded of people and situations I don't understand; above all each day I try not to judge anyone. Still far from perfect, if I fail today I try again tomorrow. I would be the first to concede that I slip up here and there and am undoubtedly a work in progress, probably will be until I leave this mortal coil - but surely that is what the journey is about...learning, growing, maturing. So today I find myself greatly upset as I seem to have inadvertently upset someone, I am hurt to the core at the following horrible hate sentiments and language aimed towards me publicly from someone I considered to be a friendly associate. I am even more upset that because of this I have allowed myself to slip into old habits of self doubt, self hate and self depreciation - for a while the fear of being disliked crept into my psyche; so much so that I initially felt physically sick with rage and distress and riddled with angst at what has occured, despite no intentional ill will ment from my side. So today I took stock and looked inside myself - I am sitting, I am resting and I am exhaling. I am going to put it behind me and not worry. It is what it is and cannot be changed. I will not retaliate or be affected any longer by it. I give it to the universe to deal with and this will allow me to simply move on. Managing my own mental health and chronic illness is my number one priority. Always try to treat people as you would wish to be treated but don't take it personally if everyone doesn't share that sentiment. You cannot worry about what you cannot change or control and other people's negativity can only penetrate and hurt if you allow it to. Sleep tight, I know tonight I will - Janj X