Telling yourself you can’t be upset because others have it worse is almost like saying you can’t be happy because others have it better....
This Easter weekend has unexpectedly hit me quite hard and actually blindsided me more than just a little I will be honest with you. The last week in March I had a week off work, annual leave that needed taking before April and it was so enjoyable, I got to do a few little things around the house, walk the dogs etc - nothing major or exciting just some quality me time and it was comforting. A short week in work followed, a job let me add that for the first time in my life I not only enjoy the work but also feel capable and productive and even the people and their company fit me to a t and then voila, just like that it's Easter weekend. I woke up Good Friday tired a little flat but generally ok in myself. As I have previously mentioned even a little over exertion and I am blanketed in a fog of exhaustion and so much more which far outweighs the task (yes sometimes just a singular task!), this can last for days if not weeks following practically anything I do and is nothing new to me anymore. Our home is not a religious house and we don't tend to do the whole choc egg thing and the like but family time is always a high priority; in a serendipitous twist easter this year coincided with the easing of lockdown so not only did I get to see two of our granddaughters and my lovely step daughter for the first time in a long while during my week off work but my son also came home for this holiday weekend. Not only did my boy bring himself (which is always more than enough) but also a very thoughtful and beautiful thrifted gift (the best kind imho) and the best news, he is finally working again, he is happier than I have ever seen him and I am elated; for 23 years he has always been my biggest worry - my gorgeous first born daughter is still on the other side of the world being awesome and I miss her so much it aches but again she is living the dream which is as it should be and on the whole I am able to just about cope with that.
It's been a "nice" time out weekend, week, couple of weeks if i'm honest so I should be happy and content. Unfortunately my overthinking, stressy brain doesn't work to type like this - I am aware that it's wrong, I am aware I do it - I even know what to do to counteract it but as this weekend is testament it's not always successful, this mood cannot be overridden with positivity and this adds guilt to the already agitated and complex brain feed. My trigger this time has been the adventurer in me fighting to get out, I have an adrenaline junkie brain in a broken, tired old body - I don't want to be stuck at home I want to be out there "doing". I enjoy social media and on the whole, I would guess that as compared to some people I am quite confident that I regulate my time and usage quite well for someone who has to sit a lot! This Easter has been one of those times though when my social media presence has done me no favours at all though; watching in a beautiful shade of green from my sofa as friends have climbed mountains, walked around beautiful gardens, cycled, circled some of our beautiful lakes and one or two of the bravest ones have even swam in them! Many have been refreshing and decorating their homes or met up socially distanced with friends and so on and rather like a petulant child I can't help but want to stamp my feet and scream "but I want to do that too"! However, I am 50 and that would be most unbecoming so I just sit and cry instead. Please don't think for one minute the problem is with your posts dear friends, on the contrary I enjoy them all, I think the inner frustration comes from the fact that the control is out of my hands, I want to go for a walk or/and do all the above.....but the truth is I simply can't because what I want my body cannot deliver and this makes me sad - my brain and body don't seem to be on the same page anymore.
I walked one of the dogs to the beach on Saturday, I can no longer manage both and that in a nutshell has been it for me over a four day break, I have sat since. Oh I am thankful don't get me wrong, my ME on the whole is moderate. I am able to work, shop, walk (much of the time anyway or enough to function I should say). I am well aware that there are many many people much worse off than me. But it's like I always say to other people as regards this kind of guilt: the fact that others have it harder doesn't negate your pain at your own troubles.
I don't share my thoughts and feelings for sympathy and certainly don't want pity, far from it although I am grateful every day for supportive friends and family. I do it to highlight and put it out there as a reminder that not all illnesses are visible, you cannot read people's pain whether it be mental or physical. That laughs and smiles really can mask internal struggles and battles and no matter their gravity they are always relevant if they stop you being you. I try to live my life lifting others and injecting positivity into everyday life but it can sometimes be in short supply or shall we say harder to access, this weekend, today....is one of those moments.
Fear not though, as always we will get through it and will rise again but for now I am dealing and allowing myself to feel what I feel, it is what it is. We ride the wave, a little like those amazing surfers I so admired on Bondi beach, riding momentum until you hit land. Tomorrow I return to work, I will paint on a smile and I know that at some point during the day I will laugh, and although it may not be the first laugh of the day it will be a genuine one and slowly but surely the smiles and positivity will creep back in.
It's ok to not be ok - just don't settle down and live there ❤ JLB
