I’ve been quiet on here a while ….
I have been struggling, I am struggling; still struggling very much and to be honest I’m feeling low and a little lost at the moment.
I try to be strong for so many reasons; for my family who are my world, I do not want to be a burden, I want to carry others in their struggles and be their strength and support – all I ever want is to be kind and lift people, for them but also for myself and my own self esteem; not wanting to be a ‘victim’, because there are people, especially at such an unprecedented time so much worse off.
While mostly I battle on; sometimes, just sometimes I hold my hands up and say I cannot do this alone and this has been one of those times. As the saying goes “I am strong but I am weary”! I feel frustrated as the words just haven’t been flowing to write the blogs i've wanted to because the mind is a jumble of unnecessary,unwanted and what I know to be irrational thoughts. It feels hypocritical to try and build others up, offering positivity when there is none in my own tank.
I’ve been off sick from work a few weeks now and know an improvement is expected of me, I dread the well ment “how are you by now?” or “feeling any better?” as the answer in my head is.... "I was and then I wasn’t, I am and then I’m not" this can not only change by the week, but by the day and by the hour and although I am by nature a natural over sharing Gemini who doesn’t tend to keep things to myself and I have friends who also battle with Myalgic Encephalitis, who get it – it still feels like I am alone at times, like nobody could possibly understand, this despite very understanding close family and the absolute best of friends a girl could have – being lonely isn’t always about being alone or unloved for I acknowledge I am beyond blessed in that department, it is a state of mind. A chronic illness diagnosis changes everything, this is my life now and sometimes I can't help but grieve for my old life. It all started closing in on me in January and by February my physical and mental health felt like it had been knocked out in the eighth round by Tyson Fury. All this long before the lockdown and Coronavirus angst kicked in increasing the bleakness and agitation. So this all said, where am I at today I hear you ask? I am still battling and fighting through each and every day but I feel the smallest fightback flame growing within and this is good, I am writing and therefore must be better than I was even this morning – some days I am so angry at this bloody illness, so enraged at the unjustness of it all, other days it just makes me very sad; but today I paused and realised I have forgotten to stop and breathe, to breathe really deep. to be in the moment. I have now reached out to friends and family who have held me so close (metaphorically I hasten to add!) that I have felt them share their strength with me while mine was wavering and I have been overwhelmed with love. I remind myself despite it all I really am very blessed. So with this figured out I am taking it day by day on my roller coaster, grateful for what I have rather than mourning what I have lost. I have now set a goal - by this summer I intend to once again be the master of my illness instead of vice versa. I had over the three years since being diagnosed found a balance and become a person I quite liked and now she too has been taken away from me, I miss her and would like her back, so I intend to fight for her. There is an old Welsh proverb to sum it up "Ddaw eto haul ar fryn.." The Sun will again shine from behind a hill. One foot in front of the other, that’s all any of us can do and of course be kind you never know what anyone is going through - Janj X
