Now don't judge me but I have a dark secret to share, I think I may love my adorable French Bulldog Bonnie just a little more than I did my two labs...Booooooo! I know right, I feel guilty even thinking it let alone saying it out loud but hear me out as in my mind there are mitigating circumstances.
We lost our eldest lab Buddy last July amidst the pandemic, he was 13 and it did break my heart to let him go but he was suffering and it was clearly his time, at the beginning of June this year his sister from another mister our choccy Holly joined him over the rainbow bridge having also reached the grand old doggy age of 13. Her passing was a little more difficult to deal with as to all intents and purposes she didn't seem as ill on the outside as the old man did or as she actually was, in that she could walk and was fairly happy and mobile in herself but she had a large tumour and was struggling with her breathing, arthritis and all sorts of things were going on internally so again we made the very difficult decision and we did the decent thing by doing what was right for her not us. I am very sad about this and miss them very much. Bonnie misses them even more, she adored them and they were a mischievous trio who became a duo and she is lost without her canine siblings.
As you can imaging because of this we've been very mindful and extra loving of Bonnie over the last month or so as she grieves for her beloved big sister, when Buddy went she and Holly had each other, now we are a 1 dog household and this in itself is sad.
When the kids were little they had always wanted/begged for a dog of their own and being newly separated from their dad and still trying to settle us in our new home a couple of years down the line, followed on a couple of years later by finding myself and the kids reeling from losing my mam so suddenly I couldn't see why not. The decision itself i will admit was quite impetuous and a slight rebellion as I knew the reason we hadn't done it before was my mam's disapproval! Yes I was 36 a mum myself and still listened to my own mam, she was a wise and lovely kind soul but a real matriarch with a killer glare and who I was unashamedly afraid to cross but heartbreakingly she wasn't there anymore, no one was....I was an unsupervised adult child! Therefore one day I decided to surprise my little terrors with Buddy a gorgeous pedigree, black lab puppy. The initial idea had been a little dog, a lap dog if you like that would cuddle and snuggle, be happy in the small garden and not too bothered by large amounts of exercise but in becoming a dog owner for the first time in my life I responsibly followed the advice of friends who were experts in the field and huge advocates of labradors, especially about them being the best breed with children and wot not, not the perfect choice sizewise for me but as said friend's had at that time 4 of them in a similar sized house I figured it would be fine and they certainly knew what they were talking about right! So we became dog owners and the kids were over the moon and thus in 2007 our family of 3 became a family of 4 with lots of gleeful promises of baths, treats and walks etc. Up until this point my son had lots of medical appointments and the like going on so it hadn't been possible for me to work being a single parent and juggling everything by myself, which was indeed ideal for Buddy but in 2008 this changed, son's medical commitments slowly died down and became fewer and fewer and as the kids became older and a little more self reliant I decide it was time to look for work. So what were we going to do about Buddy? Get him a friend of course! The following May just over a year since we'd had Buddy and I was seriously considering a new bud for Buddy we found ourselves doing the Race for Life and caught up with my cousins' wife and daughter who along with my cus had brought along their darling new choc pup Bessie, the gods were looking down on us as Bessie had one sibling left from her litter who urgently needed a home and needless to say the following week Holly joined our happy little madhouse, another lab admittedly but it made sense for Buddy. Oh our Buddy he was such a gent, tubby,cute and loveable although a little too cheeky and forceful when it came to food, anyone who owns a lab will tell you their greed and attitude to food is renowned and on such another level it's unreal. Holly, like Bud was also meant to have been a pedigree but clearly wasn't as not only did we never get the papers we were promised but we also noticed from the start that she was errr different, to be kind let's just say a sandwich short of a picnic!? oh ok more like batshit crazy BUT still the most loyal and loving dog with the most beautiful hazel eyes and big floppy ears (which could only hear selectively!) Holly didn't run she lollopped and it was adorable.
Jumping ahead to when the dogs were about 2 and 1 respectively I met my hubby in what can only be described as a whirlwind romance, within months we had bought a house and all moved in together including his stunning Akita, Sam - not going to lie here, the first few months of doggy integration were hard work, Sam was not a dogs' dog so to speak but we eventually got there and it was well worth the time and effort it took. All 3 dogs found their place in the pack, accepting Sam obviously as their alpha (after a few pissing contests between him and Bud bless them with Bud inevitably bowing down) and with a large garden to play, in a breathtaking rural location with country paths, hills and the beach, they gelled and were the most blessed of doggos who had many good times, holidays, days out and years together.
Over the years the kids grew and yes they did their share of walking, albeit as is typical this was usually preceded with a lot of nagging and some arguing which continued into about their mid teens when they would begin to spend more time with friends, days out, concentrating on school, first jobs and the like.... it seemed a natural progression, and so it was left to me, myself and I to feed, walk and love the labs, which I hastenly add I never begrudged, I adored my dogs but it was a difficult balance along with working full time, running a house and raising teenagers only to also be topped off eventually with a chronic illness diagnosis but we found our niche and plodded along happily.
I also loved and admired the strong bond between hubby and his akita, it was akin to the bond you have with your own children, deep and selfless - when he spoke Sam listened and understood, sometimes they got each other even without words, it was different and had to be seen to be believed, a meeting of souls. An infamous lady once said "it felt as if there were three in this marriage". When we lost Sam in 2015 it's no exaggeration to say it devastated and broke Mike. I thought at the time that I understood his pain, I was patient, supportive and caring but now I realise I never really fully did understand the extent of his loss, not truly until Bonnie came like a tornado into our lives a few years later.
This is the crux of it, I loved our labs, they were loved and adored and they were always shown this- they had a good life in a loving and caring home BUT when their time came although I obviously grieved and I was genuinely sad and upset, although I still miss them dearly I find I'm not broken. At first I rationalised that it may be because I've hardened a little when it comes to grief having lost both parents unexpectedly and so shockingly young but you know what, I really don't think that's it. Bonnie is only 5 and hopefully we have many many years together to make mischief and happy memories but I am already feeling sick at the thought of losing her when the time comes. I am worried that I too will break.....in fact I know I will. Bonnie is MY baby. My labradors grew up with my children as part of the family, it was a cherished time which makes me smile. They were the children's pets but the children are now adults and doing their own thing whereas Bonnie is, was and always will be mine - she's filled every mum's empty nest void, she's brought so much joy, she's nursed both Mike and I through tough times. She's given me cuddles and love when I was missing my daughter so badly on the other side of the world it hurt, she's sat silently with me as i worried about my boy and she makes me go for walks I don't want when both my mental and physical health are struggling..she is my everything. She licks my tears away....... literally.
Now I know it sounds a little like having a favourite child and no before you ask I don't - that would never happen - both my mini me adults are awesome and always have been. They are though admittedly as different as chalk and cheese and it's part of what I love about them, they are their own people. I often smile when I think of that old question "if you and your kids were thrown in the sea and you had to decide who to save which one would you go for?".....I have it worked out! I would take both their hands and we would all either perish or survive together - luckily for me I only have the two - kids and hands ha ha, the maths makes sense even for a dyscalculia sufferer like me!
I digress, so in a nutshell no I do not have a favourite child but I do have a favourite dog, or more one that has gotten just a little deeper into my heart I should say. I miss the labs, I really do - they have left a hole in our lives and will always have a special place, we all have such fond memories with them, but mostly they were our 'family' dogs not my babies like Bonnie. Before you all throw rotten tomatoes my way with your faux outrage let's be honest though don't we all have our faves, Mike had his akita, the firstborns' was always Holly, the youngest preferred both labs to the Frenchie any day so I guess we're all a little guilty......I may/will definitely however need counselling when Bonnie's time comes but I ask the universe that we have many many years of mutual adoration left before then, in fact I'm thinking she's rather lonely in her grief and I am frantically scanning the Frenchie rescue sites as we speak. Well, I do have an empty nest and a lot of doggo love to share!