Do you ever get anything in your head which goes against your better judgment but it nags away at you until you give in and just decide to go with it regardless. Not sure what it is, whether it’s a gut feeling, a message from another realm a brain fart or just plain old fashioned pigheadedness but I do know it certainly washes over me every now and again. So far I would rate the success versus the failure result of this form of decision making for me at a ratio of about 6:4 and no I do not intend to enlighten you any further as to in which favour this swings ha ha.
As anyone who reads my blogs will know (if anyone!?) I always try to be as honest as possible and make no secret of my physical and mental battles over the years - or there would hardly be a point to this brain dump, right? Where I am today; whilst by no means where I intend to stay I am beyond proud to have even gotten this far when I consider the journey - I owe this mostly to strong and supportive friends and family who never gave up on me, much introspection and self analysis along with a lot of hard work, conscious changes and not surprisingly medication! Not one thing alone can change any situation in life, it’s like a complicated jigsaw which needs many different parts to fall into place to be complete if indeed it ever does! While it all has to be decided by you do not be afraid to reach out and ask for help when necessary and I have absolutely no shame in admitting I have spent the best part of the last five years on anti-depressants and speaking to Councillors, doctors etc. While over this period the dosage has been increased and decreased depending on need their necessity has been consistent. At times I have felt ashamed, embarrassed and quite secretive of this and tried to reduce their intake with a view to “coming off” which always seems to be the ultimate goal at the back of my mind. But why? If I genuinely need them and they enhance my well being do I feel this way? Social conditioning? I can’t remember which doctor (pardon the pun!) but one once said to me in a consultation regarding this exact situation “but Jan if you were taking medication for a bad heart would you be in such a rush to come off them even if you had to take them to your dying day you would more than likely do so willingly and even thankfully! It just so happens that it is your head that’s poorly so why are you so adverse to taking these meds and why is this situation so different and difficult to accept?”…
Wise words doc and ones I agreed with wholeheartedly then and now…but, then that niggling voice kicks in! Oh yes, that devil is now on my shoulder nagging away and I have succumbed. To be fair I do feel it is a point that many of us reach naturally ourselves, and while it is though the opposite take to what my doc was quite rightly telling, it can also be that a realization leading to a decision following a build-up of strength to a point where you don’t just hope you can manage without them but you absolutely know – I can do this, I will be fine. Not in spite of but because of having been on the meds in the first place. So you let go of the safety net and go for it. I wanted to feel again, the good and the bad - i was never aware of being to quote a classic "comfortably numb" but there was unconsciously an obvious element of this - while many things could get to me or upset me as someone who could cry at the drop of a hat I became aware that I rarely shed a tear anymore, this even when to my frustration I really needed to in order to vent and breathe... to simply let go, this being an accepted and natural downside of my medication on the whole but as odd as it sounds something I really began to miss.
I have reached a rather contradictory level in my beliefs as regards improvement and wellness with both my mental health and my diagnosed ME in what it is I actually believe from reading support literature, into medical trials and even from other people’s experiences and beliefs – I too have been in the position where no amount of working on mind over matter, CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) or counselling can help you deal with the chaos in the brain which controls the anxiety, negativity and panic and such intense self loathe and feelings of uselessness if you're at this point; indeed no PACE theory for your chronic health - I know as I have tried on many occassions and it hasn't worked out. However, just because it always was doesn’t mean it will always be! Keep trying - let's face it what do you have to loose exactly.
Despite being a very tough year for us as a family and myself in particular even before you reckon in a pandemic and lock down, somehow even when the strongest amongst us have been struggling I being the contradiction that I am have continued to grow and flourish, this despite a disastrous job change, physical relapse pressing heavily in turn on my mental health and my other half relying on me more than ever due to his own personal fight leaving me with no alternative but to being the strong one, ha – and so as a result of working through it all even on days when I do really struggle I reached a decision that I am coping despite all of this, not just coping in fact but doing okay as it turns out - I am strong and it is not just down to my medication but also largely to me and my inner strength. Once this point was reached and unable to see a GP face to face to discuss this due to the ongoing situation it was therefore decided by a committee of one i.e. me, that I would come off the meds this year starting with a gradual decrease.
This is currently where we’re at! It’s not easy and never as straight forward as the original plan when forming in my head, trust me there are some very bad days but I believe deeply now that I am stronger than them. I currently take every day as it’s presented and deal with one day at a time. I also tell myself daily that we are all different and we are all struggling (even people who may not show it so please always remember be kind) and how we deal with it is nobody else’s business but ours. So I share the next facts with you simply to show what the mind no matter how delicate a state yours or mine is in, can achieve when you work at it and even if you believe it impossible a feat for yourself at the present time never give up hope and never stop believing that maybe one day you can achieve it, bearing in mind of course this being so only if you want it to because if your poorly head needs it there is absolutely no shame taking any form of meds or help indefinitely or even interminably.
Having tried many different anti-depressants over the years I have been on Fluoxetine (previously known as Prozac - Fluoxetine is a type of antidepressant known as an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) of late which at the beginning of the year was upped to 3 x 20mg a day from two due to a difficult period. So one by one since February I have taken a problem at a time, a life issue or hurdle if you like and dealt with them, changing my own barriers, blocks, pre conceptions, job and even my life outlooks to such a point that a month ago I knew I was at that place where the process of reducing could start – of course I highly recommend anyone thinking of doing this speak to a health care professional first but having personally been down this road previously I am aware of how this should be done gradually and slowly. Firstly out of 7 days just dropping one day down to two tablets rather than three, the next week two days and so on.
Having continued this in the same vein for a while, jump to this coming week and I will during the whole week be taking only two tablets and I could not be prouder – as I say because it is what I want, where I am currently and not what I think should be!
Does mind over matter work, are these tablets simply placebo effects? Absolutely not! More and more these days they are readdressing what I personally call wonky brain waves in so many people and helping them as they did me through difficult days. It may not be the case for everyone but I hope that many people like myself can use them to knock certain cerebral patterns back into shape before continuing on the rest of the leg without them.
Don’t be fooled, this won’t be easy and should I need to re-think or re plan, I will seek the correct advice and I will not feel like a failure nor will I be embarrassed to admit it – it needs to be said, it is what it is and for now we’re doing good my friends – so just you hang right in there partner - Janji X